There are so many things we do not learn about in school that we really do need to know in the real world, basic skills like how to balance a checkbook, change a tire, perform CPR, how to write an advance directive, and more importantly, what to do when someone you love dies. When my brother passed away in 2019, I drowned in a sea of grief but had to step up to deal with planning a funeral. It was a crash course in chaos.

The Body of Your Loved One

When someone passes away, what are you supposed to do?

Legal Pronouncement of Death

The answer is to get a legal pronouncement of death. If your loved one is in a hospital, the medical team will help you with this. When they are at home on hospice, call the hospice nurse. If they are at another location, call 911. Keep in mind that without a DNR order to show the police or paramedics when they arrive on the scene, your loved one could be subjected to CPR and other life-saving efforts. This could be painful to watch when you know your loved one has already passed on. It could even be the case that someone asks you to identify the body. Regardless, it is important that someone with the proper credentials pronounce your loved one as dead before you proceed to the next steps.

What to Do with the Body

You then need to figure out what to do with the body. To do this, it is helpful to know what your loved one would have wanted. Hopefully, the deceased has a will that will make their wishes clear. Were they an organ donor? Did they want to be buried, cremated, or donate their body to science? If you know the answers to this, you are fortunate. Some people may have to debate with family members and next of kin on how to proceed at this stage.

Releasing the Body to the Medical Examiner

Once you know how you want to proceed, the immediate next of kin needs to sign to release the body to the medical examiner (if an autopsy is needed), funeral home, or crematorium. If the deceased was married or had children, the line of succession moves, in order, from spouse to children to grandchildren to great-grandchildren and so on. If the deceased has no spouse or children, the next of kin proceeds from parents to siblings to nieces/nephews.

How to Arrange Services

It is hard to imagine “shopping” around at this stage, but that’s the advice many people will give you. People can often get caskets and urns far less expensive online than they would directly from a funeral home. In a time of grief, however, it can be difficult to make rational decisions. You may want to go with what comes first just to get through it. I know because I’ve been there. I had been to services at a certain funeral home in my home town several times growing up. Its familiarity was its own comfort and I went with it. That hardly meant I knew what anything cost. Once you know where you will go, there is more planning to do.

The Visitation (“The Wake”)

Will you have visitation services? This allows time for family and friends to pay respects to the deceased if they are unable to go to a funeral or memorial service. If so, you have to decide whether you will have services across multiple days and how long each visitation will be in hours.

The Funeral

Are you going to have religious services? You will want to reach out to the church, synagogue, or mosque of your choosing. If you are working with a funeral home, they will usually make this contact for you. If your loved one was not cremated and you are planning on a burial (or as in the case of my brother, they are cremated but you plan to bury their remains), you have to think about timing. Will you have a funeral followed by burial at a cemetery or an immediate burial with religious services or a “celebration of life” at a later date?

The Cemetery

Dealing with a cemetery is a feat unto itself. What cemetery would your loved one have preferred? Had they already purchased a plot? If so, you or the funeral home will need to reach out to that cemetery to set things in motion. If not, you will need to decide on a cemetery and purchase a plot as well as a headstone or grave marker before the funeral.

After Services

After a funeral, it is common for family and friends to come together to remember their loved one. Some people may prefer a private get-together in their home while others will have a more open gathering. This could mean renting out space and even paying for catering if those involved do not want to prepare food. Do not feel pressured either way. It is not your responsibility to feed a large group of people. The point is to be together, to support one another, and if you need, to be alone.

Reminder:
People should be helping you deal with your grief, not looking for handouts.

Letting People Know Someone Has Died

Letting people know is one of the hardest things you may have to do. Calling someone with bad news can be hard. If it becomes too much to bear, you may want to designate someone to help spread the word on your behalf. You may feel alone (grief can do that to you), but remember you don’t have to do this all on your own.

Social Media

This is one of those times when social media comes in handy. You can notify people in bulk by writing to family members and friends. Alternatively, you can post a notice to one of your loved one’s accounts. Those who knew them (and that you may not have known yourself) will be flagged with the news.

The Obituary

The traditional way to get the word out, of course, is to write an obituary. Funeral homes will often post them free to their websites. You can also find other outlets that post obituaries free online. However, if you want the obituary printed in the local newspaper, expect to pay. It won’t be cheap but it could reach those folks who aren’t online as often.

Who to Notify

There will be people you need to reach out to that will not even cross your mind at first. You will want to notify the deceased’s employer (if they have one). You will also want to reach out to their doctor (if they weren’t already involved), their bank (to see what accounts they have), the post office (to stop or forward mail), and utility companies (to change or close accounts). If your loved one received benefits from Social Security or a pension from another source, contact those organizations to stop payments. You may also need to contact a lawyer for estate planning, if appropriate.

Your Loved One’s Home

Don’t forget someone will need to check on your loved one’s home. Do they have pets that need care? Do their plants need watering? I don’t know about you but this is not a time I want to see anything else die.

Dealing with Finances

I’ll be frank. It’s going to cost a lot. According to the National Funeral Directors Association, the average cost of a funeral in 2021 ranged from $6,970 to $9,420 depending on cremation vs. burial. This does not take into account the burial plot itself which could add another $1,000 to $3,000 to the mix.

Anyone who offers a service — the funeral home, church/synagogue/mosque, florist, caterer, anyone — is going to want their money upfront. It can be nearly impossible for the average person to pay up in many cases. Is it any wonder crowdfunding campaigns (like Go Fund Me) have grown so popular?

It may sound cold to focus on money at a time like this, but if your loved one had a life insurance policy, you should try to access it as soon as you can. After all, that money was intended to help cover these expenses.

Helpful Tip:
If you want to help out with funeral costs, give cash or write a check out to “cash” (or leave it blank). Do not assume you know who is making the arrangements. Writing a check to one family member just adds extra steps for them to deal with on the other end.

Government Assistance

Unfortunately, Medicare and Medicaid do not pay towards funeral costs. Social Security does not help much either. They pay a death benefit of $255 to a surviving spouse or child but that will barely make a dent in costs of the average funeral.

If the deceased was a veteran, the VA may offer assistance. According to their website, the VA will pay $796 toward burial and funeral expenses for veterans hospitalized by the VA at the time of their death and $300 for those who were not. They give an additional $796 plot-interment allowance for veterans not buried in a national cemetery.

You Can Do This

Planning a funeral can preserve the memory of your loved one but don’t let it get out of hand. No matter how you look at it, this is an emotionally exhausting time. The trick is to take it slow. Break the process down step by step and delegate when you can. Remember that everyone has limits and do not hesitate to reach out for help when you need it. You have enough to cope with as you grieve for your loss.

 

2021 NFDA General Price List Study Shows Funeral Costs Not Rising as Fast as Rate of Inflation. National Funeral Directors Association. https://nfda.org/news/media-center/nfda-news-releases/id/6182/2021-nfda-general-price-list-study-shows-funeral-costs-not-rising-as-fast-as-rate-of-inflation

Burial Plot Costs – Cemetery and Funeral Plot Prices. (2022). Memorial Planning. https://www.memorialplanning.com/funeral-products/cemetery-burial-plots

Compensation: Burial Benefits. Veteran’s Administration. https://www.benefits.va.gov/compensation/claims-special-burial.asp

If You Are The Survivor. SSA.gov. https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/survivors/ifyou.html