There is nothing wrong with spending time alone. In fact, I encourage it. It allows time for self-reflection and personal growth. When I am alone, I read, I write, I create. I run, I dance, I play. I especially like to cuddle with my dog and watch Gilmore Girls on Netflix. We could all benefit from a little me-time now and again.

Alone Time and Self-Care

I remember the first time I ventured out on a solo trip. Without getting into the backstory, let’s say I needed to decompress after my first year of clinical practice as a family doctor. I caught wind that Nora Roberts would be signing her latest book High Noon at her Turn the Page Bookstore in Boonsboro, Maryland. That same weekend, she was also going to throw the opening pitch at a home game for the Hagerstown Suns (the minor league affiliate of the Washington Nationals). This was back in 2007 when cell phones were not so smart and going away from it all really meant getting away from it all.

So I packed my bags, hugged my husband and son, and drove off for a 3-day weekend all to myself. Did I feel guilty? Maybe a little bit. My son was just over a year old and this would be the first time I was away from him for that long. Still, I needed time to recharge. It was one of the healthiest things I could have done for myself.

Being Alone vs. Being Lonely

As a writer, I was starstruck by Nora Roberts. I turned into a giddy school girl meeting one of my heroes. She inspired me to start writing again and for that, I will always be grateful. What was most refreshing about that short trip was how I let down my hair.

I met some nice people along the way but not everyone was so welcoming. How dare I, a woman, travel on my own and leave my child at home? How selfish could I be? I must have been the worst mother in the world. The judgement was not in my head. I heard the comments from women at the baseball stadium and again at the book signing.

I chose to spend some time alone that weekend, but their posturing made me feel lonely.

Being alone is a physical state while being lonely is an emotional one. Someone who is alone may not have other people around them at any given time but they still feel a strong social connection with other people. Someone who is lonely, on the other hand, can be surrounded by people but still feel emotionally isolated. They do not have strong social relationships and they have to cope with a lack of connectedness.

The Need for Social Interactions

Not everyone minds being alone but no one likes to be lonely. Take Ryan Bingham from Up in the Air. He lives out of a suitcase and doesn’t really have a “home”. His life is his work and he crosses the country firing people because their employers are too uncomfortable to do it themselves. Note to self: Never sign up to be a corporate downsizing expert.

Ryan meets people he will never get to know on a personal level, people whose lives he will change forever, but for some introverted reason, he likes it that way. It’s easier to keep his emotional distance, to sweep in, do his job, and move on to the next assignment. In his mind, it’s satisfying work.

It turns out that avoiding social interactions, like Ryan, can lead to loneliness. You are better off engaging with other people, and there are studies to prove it. One study even shows that talking to strangers on a commuter train is a good experience for both the person who approaches and the person who is approached to interact. If you are like me, you would have assumed it would be awkward to approach someone that way. Who wants to stick their nose in someone else’s business or have them stick their nose in yours? It turns out that instinct is wrong and even a simple interaction is good for the human spirit.

The Loneliness Epidemic

Being social can be a mood booster but there are physical effects too. Loneliness has been associated with cancer, dementia, heart disease, increased risk for infection, and even dementia. In fact, some studies show that the harms of loneliness are as bad as smoking 15 cigarettes per day.

Ryan doesn’t even realize he’s lonely until he meets another traveler. Alex is a beautiful woman who boasts about her frequent-flyer miles. This is a turn on for Ryan, whose life goal is to earn 10 million of them. He realizes what he’s been missing and they start a casual affair, meeting up in different cities and airport hotels for trysts. Not only is she fun to be around, she is intelligent and life-affirming, a breath of fresh air for the closed-off Ryan. He begins to open up. All I can tell you is that Alex is a woman who shows him how much richer life can be when you have a copilot.

If you think about it, your favorite memories, the most important moments in your life… were you alone?

Ryan Bingham, Up in the Air (2009)

There will be times you want to be alone, like I was during my Nora Roberts weekend, but hopefully you will not find yourself lonely. Even though there were naysayers in the crowd, I knew I had family and friends that supported me back home. Take stock of your relationships, be kind to others, talk to strangers. Reaching out and making connections is key to a good life and good health.

 

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