To say Melvin Udall from As Good As it Gets is unlikeable is an understatement. He mocks his gay neighbor, he belittles women who read his romance novels, he tosses a small dog down a laundry chute, and he throws a fit when the waitress of his choice refuses to serve him.

The Outer Critic (= Someone Who Criticizes Others)

Melvin is the center of attention and, in his own mind, superior to everyone else. He surrounds himself with the “best” of everything, insults anyone who does not agree with him, and takes advantage of others to get what he wants. I dare say we all know someone like that in the world today.

In the film, Melvin has obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The writers try to drive that point home with his many counting behaviors (e.g., repetitive door locking, turning the lights on and off a certain number of times, and tapping the floor with his toes before putting on his slippers) and how he avoids stepping on cracks on sidewalks. However, I believe Melvin has another condition too — narcissistic personality disorder.

Melvin is quick to put blame on others and to criticize them while ignoring his own boorish ways. He is the embodiment of the outer critic. That’s not who you want to be. It’s one thing to be critical; it’s another to be mean.

Constructive Feedback (= A Good Kind of Criticism)

Criticism does not have to be negative. It is all about the intention.

Constructive feedback is purposeful, useful, and well-intended, meant to help a person. Criticism for the sake of criticism, however, can come off as antagonizing, demoralizing, and even harmful. In those cases, it’s usually meant to put someone in their place, not to help them.

The problem? The outer critic does not always know the difference.

The Inner Critic (= Someone Who Criticizes Themself)

We all have an inner critic too. The problem is that our inner critic can sometimes act like an outer critic, at least when it comes to judging ourselves. Even when we know the benefits of constructive feedback, we spew hostile criticism on ourselves like Melvin does to his neighbor, fans, and wait staff. We point out our own flaws, we make ourselves feel not good enough, or we harbor impostor syndrome.

When we receive positive feedback, we tend not to believe it. The negative comments are somehow given more credence. We do this when we would never treat or talk to our friends and family that way.

What we really need is an inner critic that treats us like we treat our friends.

The Negativity Bias

Blame the negativity bias. It is human nature to cling to the negative more than the positive. Literally, our brains fire off more signals in response to negative stimuli. It was part of the fight or flight reflex when we cavepeople had to outrun predators to live another day. Back then, we needed to be attuned to threats in our environment to survive.

While we still have to watch for threats in the modern world, those threats are very different these days. We can choose to be more thoughtful and less visceral in how we approach them.

If Melvin can learn to pull back on his outer critic (thanks to therapy!), so can you. After he meets someone he actually cares about (the waitress at the cafe), he tries to do better. He pays for a doctor so her son can get the health care he needs. He dogsits the very dog he treated so rudely. He drives his neighbor from New York to Baltimore so he can reconcile with his parents. Through it all, he learns to be more vulnerable.

Don’t be afraid to challenge your negative self-talk. Faced with outer critics and even your own inner critic, ask yourself: Is this constructive? Is it helpful? What can I learn from this? If the answer is no, no, and nothing, gently put it aside and move on. It’s time to be kind to yourself and make friends with your inner critic.

Ito, T. A., Larsen, J. T., Smith, N. K., & Cacioppo, J. T. (1998). Negative information weighs more heavily on the brain: The negativity bias in evaluative categorizations. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(4), 887–900. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.75.4.887