Why It Is Never Okay to Lie to Me

two face white lie

I admit it. I have trust issues. There have been more than enough people in my life who have hurt me that I am very careful about who I let into my inner circle. That’s what makes it especially hard when one of those people lies to me.

Don’t Lie to Me

The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you are not worth the truth.

Jean-Paul Sartre

When this happens to you, you know that someone made an active choice to tell you a non-truth. Somehow, whatever they had to gain or hide by lying to you was worth more than the integrity of your relationship. Not only did they not respect you enough to be honest, they assumed you would be foolish enough to believe them.

Odds are you have been hit with one of the three types of lies recently, if not today.

The Lie of Omission

The cruelest lies are often told in silence.

Robert Louis Stevenson

Some people throw their hands up and say they didn’t lie, even when you’ve caught them red-handed. Omitting facts is not the same as lying, they’ll say.

When you know the information you withhold would directly and seriously affect another person, when you do not tell that someone the truth, especially when you claim to care about that person, it is a lie of omission. Not telling your best friend her husband is cheating, not telling your boss someone is skimming money from the company’s bank accounts, whatever pertinent information you happen to know, not sharing that information makes you complicit.

Lies of omission perpetuate a false view of the world. They imply you are okay with the status quo, even if that status quo hurts someone else. Withholding information may keep you comfortable in the present moment (i.e., by avoiding confrontation) but it takes choice away from the other person. After all, it would be hard to take action if you did not even know what was going on. The person in question is unlikely to give you a pat on the back when they realize you knew the truth all along and betrayed them. How would it feel if you were on the other side?

White Lies

Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.

Albert Einstein

You will come across people who bend the truth, sometimes a little, other times a lot. They’ll say, a little white lie never hurt anyone, right? Don’t be so sure.

Your wife really didn’t need to know that she looked like Bozo the Clown with all that makeup on, except maybe she could have avoided all the stares at work. You told your friend’s mother you liked her casserole so she had you eat a second helping. What good did that do when you were doubled over in the bathroom?

Some people try to shield people from truths that might hurt them. The choice to tell white lies, however, can have repercussions, even if they are somehow well-intended. Those repercussions may not always be obvious but they are very real. Over time, people will start to see through you. They will question your judgment and your word will mean less. Is it worth tarnishing your reputation? Sometimes the truth hurts but you can soften the blow in how you deliver the news.

Blatant Lies

In a time of deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.

George Orwell

Someone who outright lies to you, face to face, text to text, government to press, takes on a whole other level of deception.

White House adviser Kellyanne Conway coined the phrase “alternative facts” in 2017. Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci used the term “a methodology of mistruth” when speaking about then President Trump in 2018. The former President toted fake news whenever the media reports on something that did not put him in a positive light. When did lying become such an acceptable part of everyday life?

While we almost always expect politicians to lie (why?!!), it stings when someone you care about does the same. I felt punched in the gut when I caught a friend in an overt lie recently. They may not see it as a big deal but it was a flagrant lie. There’s nothing quite like the sinking feeling in your stomach when you realize that someone made all that effort to deceive you.

Stand Up for Yourself

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. 

Mark Twain

Lying is a planned, intentional act. You know you are doing it as the words come out of your mouth or through your fingers. You know damn well what is real and what is not. In time, you will be caught.

When I caught that friend in a lie, I replied “no worries”. My instinct was to sooth that person, to make them feel better, or at least more comfortable, rather than to acknowledge my own self-worth. I immediately regretted it. Why was it okay for someone to lie to me? Why did I not respect myself enough to ask why? To at least ask for an apology? I pulled away for a time to reevaluate the friendship. It was going to take some time to rebuild my trust if this was going to work.

I am no saint, but I do my best to be good to people. I treat them with dignity. When I make mistakes (which I most certainly do), I fess up. I hope that anyone close to me can have the decency do the same. I let you into my circle because I trusted you. We don’t always have to agree. All I ask is that you don’t lie to me.